Out of the Deep I Cry

Russ Van Alstyne had just gotten a tug on his line when he saw the old lady get up from between the headstones she had been trimming, lay down her gardening tools, and walk into the reservoir. She had been tidying up a tiny plot, eight moldering tombstones tucked under the towering black pines, so close to the edge of Stewart’s Pond Reservoir that a good motor boat wake could have washed the edge of one of the stones. She had appeared at some point after he and Shaun had had launched their rowboat, and he had noted her, now and then, while they had drifted in the sunshine.

They had been fishing a couple hours already, enjoying the hot weather, and some brews, and some prime grass Shaun’s older brother had scored down to Albany, but Russ had only landed a few sunnies, crap fish he threw back as soon as he had them off the hook.

So when his five pound test tightened like a piano wire and his bobber disappeared beneath the water, he sat up, excited. He knew he had something good. Maybe a trout. He had just stowed his can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the bottom of the boat and flicked off his safety to let the fish run some more line when he noticed the old woman. She had on a loose print dress, like one of his mom’s housecoats, and it rose around her legs as she waded slowly away from the shore.

“Shaun, check this out,” he said, uncertain that he was reading the situation right. “What’s it look like that old lady’s doing?”

Shaun turned his head, swinging his graduation tassel, which he had attached to his fishing hat. He twisted his upper body around for a better view. “Swimming?”

“In a dress?”

“Works for me, man. I don’t want to see her in a swim suit.” Shaun turned back, facing away from the sight of the old woman marching into the water. His line jerked. “I got a strike!” He unlocked his reel and played out his line. “Relax, I’ve launched from over there before. The bottom slopes out a long ways.”

She was up to her chest now, moving steadily forward, not stroking with her arms or ducking under the surface like people do when taking a dip. “She’s not swimming,” Russ said. “She’s not even trying.” He looked past her, to where a rutted path lead from the little cemetery through the trees to the county road. There wasn’t anyone there with her, to keep an eye on her. She was alone. He thrust his rod at Shaun and tugged off his sneakers. He could reach her faster swimming than he could rowing. He stood up, violently pitching the little boat.

“Hey! Are you crazy? You’re gonna swamp us!” Shaun twisted on his seat in time to see the old woman’s chin sliding into the water. “Oh, man,” he said.

Russ shoved his jeans down and kicked them off, knocking over both their beers in the process. He balanced one foot on the hull’s edge and launched himself into the water.

Even in mid-June the reservoir was cold, still gorged on the icy spring runoff from the Adirondacks. His whole body flinched inward, but he struck out for the shore; long, hard strokes through the water, his face dipping rhythmically in, out, in; sacrificing his view of her for the speed. He drew up to where the shadow of the somber pines split the water into light and dark. He tread water, spinning around, looking for a sign of her. She had vanished.

“She went there!” Shaun yelled. He was struggling to get the rowboat turned around. “There, a couple yards to your left!”

Russ took a deep breath and submerged. In the deep twilight of the water, he could just see her, a pale wraith flickering at the edge of his vision. As he arrowed toward her, she emerged from the gloom like a photograph being developed. She was still walking downward, that was what was so creepy, toes brushing against the coarse-grained bottom, flowered dress billowing, white hair floating. She was still walking downward like a drowned ghost, and then, as if she could hear the pounding of his heart, she turned and looked at him, open-eyed under the water. Her eyes were black, set in a white, withered face. It was like having a dead woman stare at him.

He was an easy swimmer, confident in the water, but at her look, he panicked. He opened his mouth, lost his air, and struck up wildly for the surface, thrashing, kicking. He emerged choking and spluttering, hacking and gulping air. Shaun was rowing toward them, still a couple dozen yards away, and he knelt up on the bench when he saw Russ. “Can you find her?” he shouted. “Are you okay?” Unable to speak, Russ raised his hand. Shaun’s hand froze on the oar. “Jesus! She’s not dead already?”

She wasn’t yet, but she would be if he didn’t get his act together and haul her out of the water. Without letting himself think about it any further, Russ took a deep breath and doubled over, back into the deep. This time he ignored her face and concentrated on wrapping his arm around her chin in the standard lifesaving position. She struggled against him, clawing at his arm and pulling his hair, which was almost a relief compared to her weird, ghostlike walking. Something normal, something he could deal with. He tightened his grip and churned upward, his free arm aching with the effort, her dress tangling his legs. Before he reached the surface, he felt her go limp. When he split the water, hauling her with him, she drifted, slack, held up by his arm beneath her chin.

Oh, no you don’t. He turned onto his back and stroked hard toward shore, floating her near his chest, so lost in the rhythm of pull and breath and kick that he didn’t realize he was there until he reached back and hit coarse grit instead of cold water. He rolled to his knees and half dragged, half carried the old lady onto the grass. He pinched her nose, tilted her head back, and began mouth-to-mouth recessitation. Blow. Breath. Blow. Breath.

He heard the scrape of the rowboat’s keel and then Shaun was there, falling to his knees on the other side of the old lady’s head. He pushed against Russ’s shoulder. “Let me take a turn, man,” he said. “You need to get a breath for yourself.” Russ nodded. He watched as Shaun picked up his rhythm and then let himself collapse into the grass.

He heard a gargling cough and shoved himself out of the way as Shaun rolled the old lady to her side. She gasped, choked, and then vomited up a startling quantity of water. She started to cry weakly. He met Shaun’s eyes over her shoulder. Shaun spread his hands and shrugged. Now what?

Russ staggered back onto his feet. Curled up on her side, weeping, the woman didn’t look scary anymore, just old and lost. “I think we ought to get her to the hospital,” Russ said. “Run up the trail and see if she parked a car beside the road.”

Swinging wide around the tiny cemetery, Shaun jogged to the rutted road and disappeared from view. Russ returned to the rowboat and dragged it up onto the grass as far as he could. He retrieved his jeans--stinking of beer--and his sneakers, and had just finished getting dressed when Shaun ran back down the trail.

“‘Sup there,” he panted, pointing toward the road. “Keys in the ignition and all.”

“Good.” Russ knelt by the old woman and carefully pulled her into a sitting position. “Ma’am? Can you walk?”

The old lady leaned against his shoulder. She wasn’t exactly crying anymore, but making deep, shaky sounds like a little kid. She didn’t seem to hear him. He wondered if she was senile, and if so, what she was doing driving around by herself. He looked back at Shaun. “I think we need to carry her.”

“What about our stuff?” Shaun pointed to the boat. “It’s not just the fishing tackle, man. I still have--” he dropped his voice, as if a narc might be hiding behind one of the headstones, “--almost an ounce of grass in there.”

The woman gave a rattling sigh and lapsed into a still silence that made Russ uneasy. “Bring it,” he said. “Or hide it. This lady needs help. We gotta get her to a doctor.”

“Oh, crap,” Shaun said. “Okay.” He strode to the rowboat and grabbed the backpack he used to carry his paraphernalia. “But if anything happens to the boat, you’re gonna have to be the one to explain it to my dad.”

Russ laughed shortly. “Fine. I’m not gonna be around long enough for him to kick my ass.”

They eased the woman into a fireman’s seat carry. With Shaun on her other side, she didn’t weigh as much as some of the sacks Russ carried out for customers at Greuling’s Grocery. The trail up to the county road was short and wide, and within minutes the burst out of the shade of the pines and into open air and brilliant sunshine. Shaun jerked his head toward a brand-new Pontiac wagon. Russ pulled open the back door and shut his eyes for a moment against the wave of thick, moist heat that rolled out of the car.

“Where should we put her?” Shaun asked.

“Lay her down in the back seat.” Russ looked in the back for a blanket or a coat to wrap around her, but there was nothing but more gardening equipment.

They stretched the woman out on the sticky plastic seat. She looked clammy and paler than before. Russ had a sudden image of himself and Shaun driving into town in an overheated luxury car with a corpse in the back. He shuddered.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, sure. You want to drive?”

Shaun held up his hands. “No way, man. If we get stopped, I don’t want the cops getting too close to me.” He sniffed his shirt. “Can you smell it on me?”

Russ laughed. “You know it’s good stuff if it’s making you ‘noid.” He slid into the driver’s seat and adjusted it back to fit his long frame. “Hop in.”

The ride into Millers Kill passed in silence. Russ was concentrating on driving as fast as he could while trying to appear natural behind the wheel of a car that probably cost as much as his mom’s house. Shaun was tense, hissing between his teeth whenever Russ took a corner too tightly, gripping his seat if another car went past them. And in the back was--nothing. Russ couldn’t even hear the old lady breathe. Passing from the forest down into the rolling farm lands, the back of his neck began to creep. He couldn’t shake the idea that if he turned around, he would see her lying there, wet, unbreathing, looking at him with her black eyes. He was grateful when they came to the town and he had to concentrate on navigating through the stop-and-go traffic.

He pulled into emergency parking at the Washington County Hospital and killed the engine. Shaun looked at him. “Well?” he said. “Let’s get her in there.”

Russ forced himself to twist in the driver’s seat and look behind him. And of course, he saw nothing except an unconscious old lady. His shoulders twitched at the sudden release of tension. “Yeah,” he said to Shaun.

If he had been less weirded out and more on top of things, he would have gone into the emergency room, fetched out a couple of nurses and had them wheel the old lady into the place themselves. He thought of it, later, but at the time, sliding her out of the back seat seemed like the most logical thing to do. He took her feet and Shaun took her shoulders. He was so intent on avoiding a collision while walking backwards he didn’t see the commotion their entrance caused. Shaun, did, though, and nearly dropped the woman on her head.

“For chrissake, Shaun, don’t just--”

“What are you boys doing?” The nurse bearing down on them had a bosom like the prow of a battleship, and the demeanor to match. In one swift move, she caught the old woman’s wrist lightly in one hand while digging her other fingers bone-deep into Russ’s shoulder.

“Ow!” he said. “We’re not doing anything!”

“Is this your grandmother?”

“I don’t know who it is! We just found her. At Stewart’s Pond. She walked into the water. She tried to drown herself.”

She sized him up with a single flick of her eyelashes and, even though she barely came up to his chest, she somehow managed to speak over his head. “Skelly, McClaren, get that gurney over here.” She shifted her eyes and glared at Shaun, who was looking longingly at the exit doors. “Don’t even think about moving, young man.”

Two nurses scarcely older than Shaun and himself rolled a pallet over. One of them glanced sympathetically at Russ. The battleship let go of his shoulder in order to ease the old woman onto the gurney.

“Into the examination room,” she said to the other nurses, who obeyed her with such speed Russ figured she must terrorize everybody she came into contact with. She hooked her hands around his and Shaun’s arms and followed the gurney, towing them past the admissions desk and through the swinging double doors into the examination room. She bulldozed through the limp blue curtains shielding the old woman from public view. “Get Dr. Hansvoort,” she said firmly. One of the young nurses disappeared. “Well, don’t just stand there,” she told the remaining nurse. “Get her vitals. Ah, Dr. Hansvoort. Thank you for coming so promptly.”

The young resident who had parted the curtains didn’t look as if he would have dared to take his time. “Nurse Vigue?”

She rattled Russ and Shaun’s arms. “All right, you two. Tell Dr. Hansvoort here what happened.” She narrowed her eyes. “Truthfully.”

Russ and Shaun fell all over themselves trying to get their story out. While they described the woman’s strange actions, Russ’s dive to rescue her, and the mouth-to-mouth recessitation, Dr. Hansvoort clicked on a penlight and looked into his patient’s eyes, nose and throat.

When they had finished their recitation--Shaun’s last comment had been, “...and so we’d like to go now, please,”--the doctor frowned.

“Attempted suicide,” he said to Nurse Vigue. “Or perhaps senile dementia. You had better put a call in to the police.”

“My thoughts exactly,” she said, nodding her approval at the doctor’s performance. She captured Shaun and Russ again and sailed them back through the swinging doors into the waiting room. “You boys sit here. The police will have questions about this incident.”

And if they didn’t, Russ thought, she would make sure to tell them they ought to.

“But,” Shaun began.

“Sit.” She arched a thinly plucked brow at them and seemed to soften a little. “We have quite a few back issues of Boy’s Life magazine. I’m sure you’ll enjoy reading them.”

“For God’s sake, sit down and read,” Russ muttered to Shaun, taking a chair himself and opening the first magazine at hand.

Two issues of Popular Mechanics later, the emergency room doors opened and Russ looked up to see the weatherbeaten face of Chief Liddle. He was neither large, nor intimidating--in fact, he looked more like a  farmer than a cop--but both boys sunk in their seats when he glanced their way.

The chief spoke briefly with Nurse Vigue and them vanished into the examination room. “Now you’re screwed,” Shaun whispered. “He’s had his eye on you ever since he caught us torching tires at the dump.”

Russ shook his head. “I’m not scared of him,” he said, and it was true. He had seen the Chief a few too many times, back before his dad passed away, gently steering the incoherent and maudlin Walter Van Alstyne up the front walk and into the parlor. The chief always said the same thing: “He’s had a few too many, Margy. I guess he needs to sleep it off.” Then he’d look real close into Russ’s mom’s face and ask, “You be all right here with him while he’s like this?”

And she would get all brisk and efficient and tell him they would make out fine, and then they’d help Dad to his bed and she’d press a cup of coffee--usually refused--on the chief.

It wasn’t until after his dad was dead that Russ had realized what the chief was really asking his mom, and when he did, it enraged him, that anyone could think his gentle, soft-spoke father would ever harm his mother. But later, he thought about how the chief had always acted as if Walter Van Alstyne’s drunkenness was a one-time thing, and how careful he was of his mom’s pride. And he realized the question wasn’t that far-fetched after all. Because in his own way, his dad had hurt his mom a lot.

When the chief had caught him drinking Jack Daniels and leading a group of seniors in lighting tires on fire and rolling them down the hill off the dump site, he had hauled Russ behind his cruiser for a talking-to. To the rest of the guys, it must have looked like he missed getting arrested by the skin of his teeth. But in truth, Chief Liddle hadn’t threatened him with the lock-up. Instead, he looked at Russ as though he had been stealing from a church and said, “Russell, don’t you think your mother’s been through enough without you grieving her with this kind of foolishness? How are you going to look her in the eye if I have to bring you home...” he didn’t say just like your father. He didn’t have to.

Russ didn’t have the words to tell this to Shaun, so he just grunted and snapped open a two-year-old Life magazine. It showed pictures of a massive anti-war demonstration. He shut it again, leaned back against the vinyl seat and closed his eyes. This was supposed to have been a fun day fishing, one last day when he didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything. Now it was all turned to crap.

“You boys want to tell me what happened?”

Russ opened his eyes. Chief Liddle stood in front of them, his thumbs hooked into his gun belt. Russ and Shaun clambered to their feet, and Russ let Shaun rattle on about the fishing and the old woman and the rescue and the reccesitation. He wound it up by explaining how they had driven the old woman’s car to the hospital and “can I please go and call my mom to come get us? Because I just now realized we need a ride back to the lake to pick up my car.”

The chief looked at both of them closely. He sniffed. “You two smell like the Dew Drop Inn on a Saturday night.”

Shaun’s eyes got wide and white.

“It’s me, sir,” Russ said. “I had a couple beers. But it’s not as bad as it smells--I knocked ‘em over when I took my jeans off to swim. That’s why I stink so bad.”

The chief shook his head. “Russell--” he began.

“Russ is leaving for the army next week,” Shaun blurted. “You know what they say, chief. ‘If you’re old enough to fight for your country...’”

“You aren’t going, are you?” Chief Liddle asked Shaun.

“Ah, no.”

“Then I suggest you hush up and stay away from booze where I can smell you. Go on, go call your mother.” Shaun didn’t have to be told twice. He took off for the pay phone at the other end of the hall. Liddle looked straight at Russ, and the fact that the chief now had to look up to meet his eyes gave Russ a weird, disoriented feeling, like the time after his dad’s service when Mr. Kilmer, the funeral director, had asked for ‘Mr. Van Alstyne’s signature’ and he had realized that that was him, that he was ‘Mr. Van Alstyne’ now.

“Is it true?” the chief said.

“Yes, sir.”

“You volunteer, or did your number come up?”

Russ paused. “My number came up.”

“And you’re leaving next week?”

“Wednesday.”

The chief bit the inside of his cheek. “How’s your mom taking it?”

“About as well as you’d expect.”

“I’ll make sure to drop in on her now and again. To keep an eye on things.”

To do Russ’s job for him. “I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.”

The chief looked as if he were going to say something else, but he merely extended his hand. “Good luck to you, then.” They shook. “I don’t need you to make a statement. You can go.”

“Sir?”

The chief cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Who is that old lady? And why was she going into the reservoir like that?”

The deep lines around the chief’s eyes crinkled faintly. “Curious, are you?”

“Yes, sir.”

Liddle glanced toward the emergency room doors. “That’s Mrs. Ketchum.”

“Ketchum? Like the clinic? And the dairy?”

“That’s the one.”

“But she must be rich!”

The chief smiled at him. “I don’t know about that. But even if that’s so, rich folks have their troubles, too, Russell.”

“Was that why she was trying to, you know, kill herself?”

The chief stopped smiling. “I’m going to call that an accident. She’s an old woman, working out in the sun, getting up and down...it’s natural she became disoriented. Her daughter and son-in-law moved back to the area recently. I’ll have a talk with them. Maybe we can persuade Mrs. Ketchum that it’s time to give up her house and move in with them.”

“But she wasn’t disoriented. She was marching into that water like you’d march into the men’s room. She knew exactly what she was doing.”

Chief Liddle leaned toward Russ and gave him a look that somehow made him draw closer. “Attempted suicide is a crime, Russell. It might require a competency hearing and an involuntary committal at the Infirmary. Now, as long as she has family to take charge of her, I don’t think she needs to go through that, do you?”

“But what if she’s...I don’t know, sick in the head or something?”

Liddle shook his head. “She’s not going off her rocker. She’s just old and tired. Even her sorrows are older than most of the folks around her these days. Sometimes, the weight of all that living just presses down on a person and sort of squashes them flat.”

Russ thought that if that’s what old age brought, he’d rather go out young in a blaze of glory. His feeling must have shown on his face, because the chief smiled at him again. “Not that it’s anything you have to worry about.” He shook his hand again. “Go on with your friend there. It looks like he’s done with his phone call. And keep your head down when you’re over there. We want you to come home safe.”

And that ended his day’s adventure. At least until that night, when woke up his mother, yelling, from the first nightmare he could remember since he was ten. And in later years, even after he had walked, awake, through nightmares of men blown to a pulp and helicopters falling out of the sky, he still sometimes remembered the sensation of sinking into the cool, dark water. The pale, withered face. The black, black eyes. And he would shiver.

Chapter 2

Ash Wednesday, February 12, A Day of Penance

The Rector of St. Alban’s Episcopal Church, town of Millers Kill, Diocese of Albany, spread her arms in an old gesture of welcome. Her chasuble, dark purple embroidered with gold, opened like penitential wings. “I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent,” she said, “by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy word.” Her voice echoed off the stone walls of the church and was swallowed up in corners left dark by the antiquated lighting system and the heavy, gray day outside. “And, to make a right beginning of repentance and as a mark of our mortal nature, let us now kneel before the Lord, our maker and redeemer.”

She turned toward the low altar and knelt. There was a thick woolen rustling as the twenty or so persons who had risked a late arrival at the office to attend the seven a.m. Imposition of Ashes knelt behind her. There was a vast and somber silence as they all considered the sobering idea of their mortal nature. Or at least, Clare hoped they were all considering it. Undoubtedly, some were worried about the imminent snowstorm, while others were already thinking about what awaited them at work or contemplated the pain in their knees. There was a lot of kneeling in Lent. It was hard on the knees.

Clare rose. She took the silver bowl containing the ashes from burning last spring’s Palm Sunday branches, and turned back to the people. She cupped the bowl between her hands. “Almighty God, you have created us out of the dust of the earth; Grant that these ashes may be to us a sign of our mortality and penitence, that we may remember that it is only by your gracious gift that we are given everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Savior.” They said Amen in unison.

She nodded to Willem Ellis, who had cheerfully agreed to acolyte the early morning service if it got him a note excusing him from homeroom and first period geometry at school. He hopped down the steps from the altar and drew a kneeler across the bare stone before swinging the mahogany altar rail shut. Clare waited while the penitents slid out of the pews and made their way up to the rail. As one coat-muffled form after another sank down onto the overstuffed velvet kneeler, she stepped forward. “Remember that you are dust,” she said, dipping her thumb into the ashes and firmly crossing Nathan Andernach’s forehead. “And to dust you shall return.” She made a sooty cross beneath Judy Morrison’s heavily-teased bangs. Down the row, again and again. “Remember that you are dust. And to dust you shall return.” The black crosses emerged beneath her thumb. “Remember that you are dust. And to dust you shall return.” Finally, she turned to Willem, who helpfully scraped his bangs off his face to bare his forehead. She almost smiled. No fifteen year old ever remembered he was dust.

She turned back to the altar, and bowing slightly, dipped her thumb into the ashes one last time. She crossed her own forehead, feeling the grit of it pressing into her, marking her skin. “Remember that you are dust,” she whispered.

The snowstorm everyone was expecting had arrived by the end of the service. Clare shook hands and said farewells near the inner narthex door, in a spot strategically chosen for its relative lack of drafts.  As member of the congregation opened and closed the doors, she could see glimpses of the leaden sky and a shower of fat, wet flakes mixed with sleet and freezing rain.

Dr. Anne Vining-Ellis paused in front of Clare to wrap a muffler around her throat. “I’m glad I insisted on bringing Will this morning,” she said. “This is crappy weather for an inexperienced driver to be out in.”

Clare waved to a departing parka-clad back and shivered as a cold wind speared through the doorway. “Amen to that,” she said.

“I don’t suppose I can suggest you stay close to home today.”

“I’m never going to live down my winter driving reputation, am I?” Anne--universally called Dr. Anne--was the closest thing she had to a good friend among her parishioners. Clare was willing to let her fuss a little. “Don’t worry, I’m not planning on making any home visits today. I’ve got two more Impositions scheduled, at noon and five-thirty. Those will keep me plenty busy.”

The emergency room doctor glanced up at the shadowy rafters. “It’s Wednesday. You always go to the Krispy Kakes Diner on Wednesdays.”

Clare pressed her lips together in what she hoped was a smile. “Well, you see then? That’s right in the middle of town.”

“I’m not the only one who’s made mention of your habit, Clare.” Doctor Anne looked at her. “You know I’m not a gossip. I just think you ought to be aware that the fact you have lunch every week with a married man hasn’t gone unnoticed.” Clare opened her mouth. Doctor Anne cut her off. “And I know it’s all perfectly innocent. You don’t have to tell me that.”

Clare rolled her eyes. “If having lunch once a week in a public diner is going to start stories, I can’t imagine what I could do to stop them from circulating. Have the man over to my house where no one will see us together?”

Dr. Anne shook her head. “Take it as a friendly F.Y.I.” She laid a gloved hand on Clare’s arm. “There are still some people in this church who aren’t too keen on the idea of a female priest. Don’t give them any ammunition, okay?”

“I’ll try to be a credit to my gender,” Clare said.

Doctor Anne laughed. “Good enough. Hey, where’s that rotten kid of mine? Willem?”

The boy’s voice came from the far side of the church. “Mom! Reverend Clare! Take a look at this!”

Doctor Anne looked questioningly at Clare, then set off toward her son. Clare followed, pulling her chasuble over her head as she walked. Willem was standing near the half way point of the north wall of the church. As Clare and his mother approached, he pointed to the deeply embrasured window there, a stained glass depiction of stately angels leading a group of children to Jesus, enthroned in glory. It had always been an odd window to Clare’s thinking--it was obviously a recent addition, done in a modern mosaic style favored in the 1970s. And the inscription wasn’t, as one might expect of such a scene, “Suffer the little children to come until me,” or “Unless ye be as little children.” Instead, two of the angels faced the viewer, holding shields with a verse from Lamentations: “But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.”

It was not the singular artwork or the gloomy verse that had caught Willem Ellis’s attention, though. It was water. Seeping from the top of the embrasure, running down the edges of the window, puddling at the deep sill and making ugly brown tracks along the pale stone wall.

“Oh, my God,” Doctor Anne said.

St. Alban’s had been built along traditional gothic lines, with the long walls to the north and south jutting away from the lofty-ceilinged central nave. These north and south aisles were sheltered under roofs a mere ten or twelve feet high, so that when Clare looked up, she could easily see the warmly-stained pine boards, carefully lapped like ship’s planking. And although the storm darkness outside leached away much of the light that normally spilled through the stained glass windows, Clare could also see the blotches spreading along the boards’ joints, giving the interior roof the brackish, mottled look of something old and unpleasantly moldy.

Clare’s silence made Doctor Anne and Willem look up, too. As they watched, a fat droplet squeezed from one of the patches and fell with a splat onto the polished wooden pew below.

“This is not good,” Clare said.

“So what did you do?” Millers Kill’s chief of police dipped a steak fry into a paper tub of ketchup and popped it into his mouth.

Clare leaned back against the crimson vinyl seat and looked out the wide window of the Kreemy Kakes Diner. Icy rain splattered the passing cars and clung to the trees, bending their branches low to the sidewalk. Across the street, the Merchants and Farmers Bank had fluorescent orange warning cones on their granite steps, which were so slick that entering to make a deposit was an exercise in ice-climbing.

“What could I do? I put pails underneath the drips and roped off the area. And asked Lois to call the vestry members for an emergency meeting.” She turned back to her lunch companion. “They’ve been going ‘round Robin’s barn about fixing the roof ever since I arrived, and I suspect they’ve been debating it for some years before. Probably what finished off the late, much-lamented Father Hames.” She stirred a strand of melted cheese into her chili. “Now, of course, they’ll have to make decisions. Unfortunately, they’re going to be based on expediency instead of careful consideration.”

Russ Van Alstyne pointed to her onion rings. “Are you going to finish those?” She waved him to help himself. “You ought to set that janitor of yours on it. I thought he was supposed to keep things running around there.”

“The title is sexton, not janitor. And he does keep things running. I swear, St. Alban’s furnace must have been installed during the Great Depression.”

“I hear a ‘but’ coming.”

“But, he’s in his sixties, and he’s not exactly in the best of health. I already have to do some fancy footwork to keep him from lugging heavy objects and climbing up the extension ladder to replace bulbs. I can just picture him clambering around an icy, pitched roof trying to figure out what’s wrong. He might survive, but I’d probably have a heart attack.”

Russ laughed. “You young whippersnappers underestimate us geezers.  I do my own roofing repairs. And my farmhouse is a good century older than your church.”

“You,” she pointed her spoon at him, “are forty-nine, not sixty-three. And I’m going to assume you aren’t repairing the roof in this kind of weather.” She looked back out the window and shuddered. “I can’t believe it’s Ash Wednesday and we’re still stuck in full-blown winter. At home, it’s in the upper forties by now.”

“You’re the one who thought it was a good idea to move from southern Virginia to the Adirondack mountains. Quit your complaining, spring is coming.”

“Two weeks in May. Some spring.”

“Isn’t this your second February here?”

“Yeah. But I hoped the one last year was a fluke.” She ate a spoonful of chili and watched Russ as he deftly prevented a glob of ketchup from landing on his uniform sleeve. They were always both in uniform during their Wednesday lunches, black clericals and brown cop gear. They always met on their lunch hours, so that they couldn’t linger. They always met at the Diner, smack dab in the middle of busy South Street, and sat, whenever possible, at one of the window booths, where God and everybody could see. As she had told Doctor Anne, everything innocent and aboveboard.

Except where it counted. In her conscience. In her thoughts. In her heart.

She realized she had been looking at Russ a little too long. She dropped her eyes and dug into her chili.

“So, what’s with the dirt on your forehead?” he asked.

“It’s not dirt. It’s penitential ashes.” She looked up to see him grinning. “Which you knew very well.”

“And folks say we heathens are unwashed.” He swiped another of her onion rings. “Should you be calling attention to yourself like that? I mean, doesn’t the bible say something about praying and fasting in secret, and not wearing the sackcloth and ashes on the street corner?”

“‘And your father who sees you in secret, shall reward you in secret.’ My goodness, I’m impressed. Have you been tuning into those TV preachers again?”

He laughed. “Not hardly. I was a faithful, if unwilling, attendee at the Cossayuharie Methodist Church until I got too big for my mom to forcibly drag me there. I guess some of what I heard stuck.” He picked up the diner’s dessert menu, which was larger than the meal menu and fully illustrated with saliva-provoking photos. “What are you giving up for Lent? Chocolate? Beer?”

“I’m not giving up anything,” she said. “The whole giving-up-something-for-Lent thing is a relic from the middle ages that doesn’t have anything to do with what the season’s actually about. What I like to do instead is volunteer my time. So many not-for-profit organizations are swamped with money and offers of help at Christmas time, but who’s there in February?”

“But you already volunteer for a ton of stuff. I know you help out at the soup kitchen, and the teen mothers’ back-to-school program. And there’s the outreach you do at the homeless shelter.”

“Those are all sponsored by St. Alban’s. Showing up for the soup kitchen and the homeless shelter is part of my job.”

He suppressed a smile. “So, it doesn’t count if you do a good deed while you’re on salary. It only counts if it’s a freebie.”

“That’s not quite how I’d put it.” She scraped the last of the chili out of her bowl. “I’d like to help out at some place where I wouldn’t normally go. Some place that’s not associated with the church.”

“How about the dog pound?”

“Oh, Lord, no. I couldn’t. I’d wind up either adopting a bunch of strays I didn’t have time to care for or breaking my heart.”

“The library.”

“I’d have to clear up my overdue fines first. I’ve been dodging their reminder notices. I think next they send a big guy out to ‘talk’ with me.”

“Have you thought about the Millers Kill Historical Society? They always need help cataloguing the collection. It’s a big, boring job, stuck up in the top floor going through boxes of stuff. Hard for them to keep people interested in it.”

She sat back. “That’s not a bad idea.” The thought of spending time with things, instead of people, for a change, was strangely compelling. “Where is the historical society?”

“Do you know where the free clinic is?”

“Yep.”

“Right next door.”

She crumpled her napkin and dropped it into her empty bowl. “I’ll swing by there tomorrow and see what they say.”

“Believe me, if you walk in and commit to a forty-day stint, they’ll greet you with open arms and cries of joy.”

“How do you know so much about it?”

He smiled, pleased with himself. “I’m on the Board of Trustees.”

She laughed. “You’re just full of surprises today.”

“I don’t want to get too boring.”

“Never that.”

There was a pause. Then Russ jerked around to wave their waitress over and Clare twisted away to searching for her wallet.

“It’s on me,” he said, plucking the slip from between the waitress’s fingers.

“You paid last week. And the week before that.”

“So what? I make more money than you do.”

“That’s not the point. We agreed to share--”

He stood up and pulled his billfold from his back pocket. “Make a donation to the historical society, then.” He laid down some money next to the ketchup bottle and waited while she struggled into her expedition-weight parka, a Christmas present from her concerned Southern parents. Then he stood aside to let her go first to the door. On the way, he was greeted by two aldermen and she said hello to one of her parishioners. It was all very open. Very aboveboard. Perfectly innocent.

Remember that you are dust. Then, she had said the words.

Now...now she really felt them.